Well, since people actually bet on wrestling–even though it’s widely known that is all scripted by WWE–here are my opinionated predictions for Wrestlemania XXX in New Orleans:
DANIEL BRYAN v. TRIPLE H:
Thanks to how this match changes the main event, predictions might as well start here. It probably won’t be the first match, that’s “Curtain Jerking,” and it isn’t the kind of treatment to give your most popular performer (Bryan) and the most hated villain (supposed WWE C.O.O. Triple H). Bryan has to win this match, because Batista Vs. Orton Vs. Triple H is three bad guys fighting each other, aka No Possible Positive Outcome for the fans. Though, that doesn’t have to be the end of Triple H’s night. After Bryan defeats him, in a mix of shock and anger, Triple H may likely pull out his favorite foreign object (wrestle-speak for non-sanctioned object used as weapon) his giant sledgehammer, and then leave Bryan hurt and bloody, making it seemingly impossible for the bearded fan favorite to have a chance in the main event.
WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: RANDY ORTON v. BATISTA v. BRYAN OR TRIPLE H:
Based on that, the last match of the night will begin with Orton, Batista, and Bryan coming out to the ring. Right before the opening bell can ring, though, Triple H’s entrance music will blare on the PA, and somehow he and Stephanie McMahon, “A Principle Owner of the WWE,” will find a way to insert Triple H into the main event. That might sound preposterous, but since the main event is to be constested under “Triple Threat” rules, that means there are no disqualifications, and there is nothing to stop him from interfering in the first place.
THE STREAK: THE UNDERTAKER v. BROCK LESNAR:
Unfortunately, this is patently obvious. The Undertaker will continue his undefeated streak at Wrestlemania to 22–0. While Lesnar is a genetic freak and has almost every advantage one could see, having him go over would be bad for business. Lesnar signs short term contracts and commands insanely big paychecks, and that’s not the kind of talent you give the career boost of Breaking The Streak to. The big question here is will Mark Calaway, the man who performs as The Undertaker, survive Lesnar, a dangerous and sloppy worker.
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JOHN CENA v. BRAY WYATT:
As I’ve covered here already, everything points to Bray Wyatt winning, as the subtext of the match is that John Cena is the gatekeeper to the main event. Expect Wyatt to possibly utilize some supernatural theatrics (such as when the lights go out) to help assure victory.
30-SUPERSTAR ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL:
The WWE has been on message declaring that this is already over, that The Big Show (who originally debuted in WCW as “The Giant,” a possibly illegitimate son of Andre) is a lock to win. And 9 times out of 10, in wrestlig, that means he’s losing. There’s no drama or surprise if the obvious person wins. Unfortunately, of those announced, there’s no story or momentum going in for the other candidates. Crowds everywhere have been reacting big for Dolph Ziggler as of late, so he’s the only name of the above I think has a shot. That all being said, the most likely winner is Alexander Rusev, who is likely to fill in the empty (for drama) slots. Rusev, declared “The Bulgarian Brute” would be making his main roster debut with this match, after spending the last months coming out to stand on a rising faux-Olympic dais, as his manager Lana promotes him, screeching in the worst Russian accent ever.
The Shield (Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns,** and Dean Ambrose) vs. Corporate Kane, Road Dogg, Billy Gunn**:
While things had been building to The Shield breaking up, that’s been put on the backburner, and they are likely to win with their united front. Should be an amazing match, too.
VICKIE GUERRERO DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP INVITATIONAL (Featuring every single female talent signed to the WWE) (Featuring every single female talent signed to the WWE):
The last weeks of programming have set things up where current champion AJ Lee has no real chance of winning. Going up against an unlucky–13 other talents, where the match is decided by the first pinfall any Diva gets, should make it obvious that AJ has the greatest disadvantage ever. More simply put, AJ does not need to be involved with the finish, and of the 13 other talents can get pinned, and AJ loses her belt. New addition to Total Divas Summer Rae has a good shot at winning, but since the booking had been leading up to AJ facing Naomi of the Funkadactyls in one on one comptition, she’s the more likely new champion. This all being said, if I were to have to bet, my money would be on AJ.
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The WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP FATAL 4-WAY MATCH:
The only two of the four teams that could win are The Usos, or The Real Americans. The Usos are the safe bet because they’re already champions, the fans like them, and one of them is married to one of the Total Divas. The Real Americans, on the other hand, are my bet because I want things to progress for one half of that team, Cesaro (he used to also go by the first name Antonio, but that was dropped, for some unknown reason), who as recently as the last PPV, Elimination Chamber*, was being elevated to the next level. If Cesaro and his partner Jack Swagger win, they’ll be getting closer to finally breaking up, so Cesaro can move to feud for one of the major singles title belts. Either way, Cesaro will be made to look great here and steal the show. Expect hijinks to ensure with Los Matadores companion, the “miniature bull” El Torito (a vertically-challenged masked & horned Mexican wrestler).
Wildcard Surprises:
Personally, I got back into watching pro wrestling because of CM Punk, so I would love for the missing in action Straight Edge Superstar to return. Stone Cold Steve Austin plays a part in why I still think it’s possible. Austin, the beer guzzling hero of The Attitude Era has repeatedly declared he thinks Punk will be back for Wrestlemania, and he knows about these kind of moments, since he too walked out on the WWE after creative differences. Punk could appear one of two ways: emerging from the crowd to help or hurt his buddy Daniel Bryan, which is the more likely way for him to come back. The other possibility would have a confrontation between Punk & Austin, setting up a match at Wrestlemania 31, since that’s been a dream-match for fans for the last 5 years. It’s preposterous and silly, and I’m here in New Orleans for TVMix, to cover it all.
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