After an incredibly illustrious half-decade in the music business, Justin Bieber has finally decided that it’s time to hang up his droopy pants for good and gracefully bow out of show business while he’s still got a full head of hair.
The dreamy hitmaker announced on Tuesday that his days suppressing his Canadian accent and getting terrible tattoos are numbered and that, after his next album hits stores, he’ll be retiring from the music industry for good.
While Justin seemed pretty determined to leave his music career behind (and God knows he’s got enough money to quit whenever he wants), his handlers assured TMZ that he was just goofing and that their cash cow would never dream of leaving his adoring public high and dry. It seems as though the Biebs may just be joking for now, but enough young stars have played the retirement fakeout card in the past for it to be old hat at this point. Jay Z did it, Amanda Bynes did it, and, usurping Justin’s possible record as the world’s youngest retiree, some of the cast members from Toddlers and Tiaras are already working on their golf game in Boca, having quit the biz before they even hit double digits. If Justin isn’t joking, we have a few suggestions for how he might like to fill up all of that new found free time.
Open a brothel: Bieber’s been rumored to enjoy visiting houses of ill repute while he’s on tour, so what’s a better gift for the kid who has everything than a constant supply of nice-nice? Come for the girls, stay for Justin’s cover of ‘Private Dancer’.
Star on some soaps: Take it from Rick Springfield — there’s no better follow-up to a career making teenage girls scream than a career making their moms do the same. Plus, it’s a perfect career for those heavy on hotness and light on shame — things folks with only a cursory knowledge of Never Say Never should know about the tyke.
Tailspin: The Bieb’s already (allegedly) drag racing in his new L.A. neighborhood and (allegedly) sleeping with hookers and (allegedly) having wild parties when his mom’s looking the other way, so maybe it’s time he starts taking a page from Chris Brown and fully loses control. Punch a maître d’, knock up Elle Fanning, get on a no-fly list, and see how much ayahuasca $58 million will buy you.
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